Is there a way to politely deal with folks who use their smartphones at the movies? I often find myself avoiding the theater, for fear of the person sitting two rows ahead of me shining the bright light of their phone in the darkened auditorium as they browse the Web or text during a film. Or worse, the occasional filmgoer with the audacity to actually answer a call while the movie is playing.
 

—Indecent Textposure

I went to see a movie with a friend a while back, and we sat down next to two teenagers, animatedly chatting with each other while simultaneously texting on their phones before the previews began.

“This isn’t going to be good. They’re not going to stop.” My friend said.

“Of course they are!” I said. “The previews haven’t even started. They’re just discussing the pre-movie trivia question. And anyway, they’re wrong. The answer is Alicia Silverstone.”

They were indeed wrong, but my friend was right. The previews started, but the conversation and texting session did not. And they weren’t talking in whispers, either. This was a full-on, outdoor-voice powwow. I thought that maybe it would only last as long as the previews, but it continued into the opening credits. There was nowhere else to sit in the crowded theater, and my friend, seated next to the offending party, squirmed uncomfortably.

Now, my general rule of thumb with conflict is to do anything to avoid it, but I couldn’t let this one slide. These kids were not going to ruin Magic Mike for me!

So I asked them to shut up and put away their phones, kindly. And they did, begrudgingly. I guess the whole point of my story, IT, is that, even without phones and tablets and ultrabooks and ebook readers, plenty of people can still be rude, inconsiderate jerks.

Ask Alex

Unfortunately, technology is only making this problem worse. Sure, most people know you shouldn’t talk in a movie theater, but what about not texting? It seems like common sense to me, but your experience (and mine) says otherwise. And I’m afraid there isn’t a good solution other than the time-old approach of asking them to refrain, while killing them with kindness.

Your blood may be boiling, but you’re more likely to get a favorable outcome if you don’t let it show. Muttering under your breath, hate staring, or accidentally kicking the seat in front of you may all seem like better ideas, but the only real way to solve your problem is just to ask them to stop. Of course, that doesn’t mean it’ll actually work. And make sure to use discretion before asking. The kids sitting next to us seemed relatively harmless, but if it were some guy twitching and muttering to himself I probably would have just toughed it out or grabbed an open seat in the front row.

And to anyone that thinks it’s okay to use a phone in a movie theater as long as you aren’t talking: It isn’t.

_________________________

When dating someone new, how soon can I friend them on Facebook, connect on LinkedIn, and/or follow them on Twitter?

—Getting Into the Friend Zone

Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think online friendships should be taken lightly when it comes to dating. It’s sort of like the modern day equivalent of giving someone your pin—it’s a nice symbolic gesture, but you probably won’t stay together forever and at some point you’ll wonder if you can take it back.

So how long should you wait to connect with someone you’re dating? As long as you possibly can.

The biggest reason to wait is that online friendships put a damper on the thrill of discovery. What’s the point of spending hours on the phone or in bars talking about your favorite directors and movies when it’s already summed up in a succinct list of interests, along with your favorite books and music? And what about that moment way down the line when you break out the goofy childhood photos? Not as fun when you’ve already seen them posted online.

And don’t forget all the prying eyes you invite when you friend someone on Facebook. I’m not even talking about changing your relationship status from Single to In a Relationship. No—a simple, newly minted friendship can be enough to pique the curiosity of your friends, or worse yet, your relatives.

And once entered the realm of online friendship, you’ll probably waste countless hours analyzing each new status update, wondering if it’s about you. And who’s that guy in all those photos, anyway?

And what happens when you eventually break up and your news feed becomes a steady stream of daily reminders about how happy this person is without you? Or how crushed? Or what if they unfriend you completely? That would be the worst.

No, it’s better to not connect with them in the first place.

_________________________

While catching up with a friend I haven’t seen in a while, she tells me what’s going on in her life, most of which I’ve already learned from Facebook. Is it okay to say, “Yeah, I saw that on Facebook!” or do I have to sit, listen, and act like I’m hearing the news for the first time?

—Face to Facebook

I’m seeing a theme here. And I have one thought: Remember, when in doubt, always opt for real life over virtual life.

You should definitely tell your friend you already know what she’s about to tell you, FTF. In fact, you should interrupt her before she even gets the first full sentence out. It sounds like your friend suffers from oversharing, and people like her are ruining our actual, real life experiences.

I’m guessing you don’t have this same problem with all of your friends on Facebook. Personally, I try to avoid my news feed as much as possible, in order to avoid this particular problem. But when I give into temptation, I can’t help but feel like I’m reading through a greatest hits list of everyone’s day. And the thing is, it’s always the same people. I don’t think Facebook has singlehandedly turned us into a world of oversharers, but it definitely gives certain people a stage and an audience. 

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not against posting updates to Facebook in general. It’s a great way to let everyone know that you’re moving, or having a party, or that you just won an award. But it’s probably not the best place to upload pictures of the amazing Cambodian sandwich you just had for lunch, or vent your frustration over the cancellation of Enlightened. That’s what friends are for (along with Twitter and Tumblr). Skip the status update, call someone up to meet for a drink and to talk about it in person, and spare the rest of us.

So tell your friend you already know what’s up from Facebook, FTF. Then, when you quickly run out of actual conversation, perhaps she’ll be reluctant to share so much in the future.

_________________________

Need some tech etiquette advice? Check to see if your question has already been answered, or send Alex an email at [email protected].