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Things You Should Know
- Give yourself time to grieve; pain is normal. You can’t control what happened, but you can get space, discard mementos, and vent your feelings.
- Distract yourself from what happened and avoid contact with the other person. Raise your spirits by listing all the good things about yourself!
- Talk to people you trust and strengthen your support system. Challenge negative thoughts, focus on finding yourself, and get outside your comfort zone.
- Recognize when you’re ready to move on and get back out there to meet new people. Motivate yourself to keep moving forward no matter what.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 4:
Giving Yourself Space
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1Recognize that pain is normal. When you love someone who doesn’t love you back, it hurts. It turns out that “heartbreak” is a very real physical sensation: the pain from rejection activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for things like your heart rate and muscle tension.[2]
It’s natural to feel hurt if you love someone who doesn’t return the feeling. Accepting that your feelings are normal can help you process them.- Romantic rejection can actually trigger the same response in your brain as withdrawing from drug addiction.[3]
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- Psychologists estimate that about 98% of us have experienced some form of unrequited love. Knowing you’re not alone may not make the pain go away, but it may be easier to bear knowing that you’re not the only person to go through this.[5]
- Rejection can also cause depression.[6]
If you notice any of the following, get help from a mental health professional immediately:[7]
- Changes in your eating or sleeping habits
- Feelings of hopelessness or helplessness
- Changes to your normal mood
- Trouble controlling negative thoughts
- Thoughts of harming yourself
- Romantic rejection can actually trigger the same response in your brain as withdrawing from drug addiction.[3]
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2Allow yourself time to grieve. There’s nothing wrong with having to grieve, as long as you don’t get stuck there. In fact, it’s healthier to let yourself be sad than it is to try to suppress those emotions.[8]
Denying or minimizing how you feel — such as saying “It’s no big deal” or “I didn’t love them anyway” — will actually make it worse in the long run.[9]
- If you can, take some time out of your life to process your sadness. This will help create a healing space for you to deal with your grief. For example: when you first realize (or are told) this person will not love you back, then you should take some time to be alone somewhere, even if it’s just going for a 15-minute walk at work.
- Avoid wallowing in despair, however. If you haven’t left your house in weeks, you aren’t showering, and you’re wearing that ratty old sweatshirt that should really just be burnt, you’ve gone overboard. It’s natural to feel sad, but if you don’t try to get focused on your life again, you’ll just keep thinking about and loving that other person.
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3Recognize that you cannot control the other person. Your immediate reaction to learning that the other person doesn’t love you in the way you love them may be to think, “I will make them love me!” This type of thinking is very natural, but it’s also incorrect and unhelpful. The only thing you can control in life is your own actions and responses. You can’t persuade, argue, or bully someone into feeling something they don’t. [10]
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- It’s also a good idea to remember that you can’t always control your own feelings, either. You can work to control your responses to those feelings, though.
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4Take some time away from the other person. Part of creating space for yourself to grieve and to move on is not having this person as part of your life. You don’t have to cut this person out of your life completely, but you do need to take a break from him or her.[12]
- You don’t have to be unkind or cruel. Just ask the other person to give you a little time to get past the feelings you’re working through. If the person really cares about you, they’ll give you what you need, even if it isn’t the most pleasant experience.
- If the person you’re trying to stop loving is someone that you’ve relied heavily on in the past for emotional support, find a different friend to help fill that role. Ask a friend if you can reach out to him or her when you get the urge to talk to the person you’re trying to avoid.
- De-friend the person on social media, or at least hide their posts. Delete the person from your phone so you aren’t tempted to re-initiate contact. You don’t want to be constantly reminded of the other person and everything they’re doing. It will make it harder to keep your distance.
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5Express your feelings to yourself. Expressing your emotions, rather than bottling them up and waiting for them to explode, can help you accept that you’re going through a painful experience.[13]
When we experience loss or disappointment, it’s natural to have trouble dealing with it, at least at first. Don’t belittle yourself for feeling this way or try to ignore the feelings in the hopes they’ll go away. Express them openly and honestly.[14]
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Cry if you want to. Crying can actually be therapeutic. It may reduce feelings of anxiety and anger, and can even reduce your body’s feelings of stress. If you want to grab a box of tissues and cry your eyes out, go for it.[15]
- Avoid violent actions such as screaming, shouting, punching things, or breaking stuff. While this may “feel good” at first, research suggests that using violence to express your anger — even towards an inanimate object — can actually increase your angry feelings.[16]
It’s healthier and more helpful to reflect on your feelings and examine why you feel this way.[17]
- Expressing your emotions through creative pursuits, like music, art, or a favorite hobby, can be very helpful. However, it’s a good idea to stay away from things that are very sad or angry, such as death metal music. These may actually make you feel worse when you’re feeling down.[18]
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Cry if you want to. Crying can actually be therapeutic. It may reduce feelings of anxiety and anger, and can even reduce your body’s feelings of stress. If you want to grab a box of tissues and cry your eyes out, go for it.[15]
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6Realize that you are better off. It doesn’t matter how great the person is, if they don’t love you, you could not be happy with that person. It’s very easy to idealize someone, especially if you have invested a lot of energy in falling in love with him or her. Stepping back to examine the reality — without being cruel or judgmental — can help you get some distance from that feeling of unrequited tragic love.- It may also help you to think about the aspects of this person that would have created a difficult relationship between the two of you.[19]
- For example: maybe their extreme social anxiety would make it nearly impossible for them to give you the validation you need in a relationship.
- Studies have even suggested that acknowledging negative things about the other person can help you get past romantic rejection more quickly.[20]
- Don’t fall into the trap of saying mean things about the other person to make yourself feel better, though. Ultimately, this type of thinking can make you feel even more bitter and angry, rather than helping you heal.
- Rejection temporarily lowers your IQ, believe it or not. If you’re having trouble thinking about your feelings in a rational way, accept that it may just take a little time to get yourself back to “normal.”[21]
- It may also help you to think about the aspects of this person that would have created a difficult relationship between the two of you.[19]
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7Avoid the blame game. Just as you have no control over falling in love with this person, they have no control over not falling in love with you. If you go around blaming him or her for “friend-zoning” you or thinking they’re a terrible person for not loving you, you’re being unfair to the other person. This emphasis on bitterness will also hold you back from healing.[22]
- You can feel upset about the person not loving you without blaming that person. Don’t let your friends play it either. Your friends may try to villainize the other person for not loving you. If this happens, thank them for their support, but say that “it isn’t fair to blame them for something they can’t help. Let’s focus on me getting over them.”
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8Get rid of mementos. You can cry over giving up the mementos, but it’s an important step in the healing process. Having those mementos around will only make it harder to move on and that’s not what you’re after!- As you go through each item, think of the memory associated with it, then imagine putting that memory in a balloon. As you get rid of the item, imagine the balloon drifting away never to be seen again.
- If you have physical objects that are in good shape, consider donating them to a thrift store or donate them to a homeless shelter. Imagine the all the happy new memories that oversized sweatshirt / teddy bear / CD will make for its new owner, and then let these new associations symbolize the transformation you’re undergoing in your own life.
Part 2
Part 2 of 4:
Implementing Short-Term Fixes
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1Avoid getting drunk and calling or texting the other person. Particularly, in the beginning, you may feel desperate to contact the other person. Your willpower may be enough to get you past this urge when you’re sober, but we all know that alcohol impairs judgment.[23]
Drunkenly berating the other person for not loving you, or crying about how hurt you are, can be embarrassing for you and uncomfortable for the other person. It may even hurt your chances of developing a genuine friendship with the person later. If you think there’s a chance you may do something you regret, ask your friends for help.- Give your phone to your friend (preferably the designated driver) with strict instructions not to give it to you, no matter what excuse you give or how much you drunkenly beg.
- Delete the other person from your phone. This way you won’t have the option to call or text them.
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2Distract yourself. While it’s impossible to not think about something, it is possible to divert your thoughts elsewhere whenever you start to go down that rabbit hole. Every time those memories bubble up, distract yourself with another thought, activity, or project.[24]
- Call a friend. Pick up a real page-turner of a book. Watch a hilarious movie. Build something. Work in the garden. Do math. Find something to engage you for long enough to get the person off your mind for a while. The more of a habit you make of not thinking about the person, the easier it will become.
- A handy trick is to set aside a certain amount of time that is designated for you to think about that person. Don’t make this a huge amount of time; 10-15 minutes will do. When you do find thoughts about the other person creeping into your head, you can say to those thoughts: “Not now. I’ll get to you later.” When your “appointment” with yourself comes around, allow yourself to think about the other person. When your time is up, move on to other thoughts and activities.
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3Remember that unrequited love hurts the other person too. It may feel like your pain is the only thing in the world when you’re first rejected. However, research suggests that the person who can’t/doesn’t return your love is probably hurting too. Most people don’t enjoy causing others pain.[25]
- Remembering that the other person may feel awful for not being able to give you what you’d hoped can give you some perspective. Usually, when a person doesn’t love you back it isn’t because they’re a villain who hates you or wants to hurt you.
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4Make a list of the good things about yourself. Rejection can convince you that your nasty inner critic was right all along. Don’t allow yourself to believe that just because this one person doesn’t love you that you aren’t worth love. Studies show that when you remind yourself that you are worth loving, you’re more likely to get past rejection faster and deal with later rejections better.[26]
- Write down every awesome thing about yourself that you can think of. If you’re having trouble thinking of things, ask a friend for help.
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Express love to yourself for these things. For example, “I may not feel strong right now, but I am killer at roller derby, and I love that about myself.”[27]
Part 3
Part 3 of 4:
Starting to Heal
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1Avoid memory triggers. It’s hard to heal from unrequited love if you’re constantly reminding yourself about the other person. Avoid seeking out that song or place that reminds you of the person or a wonderful time you had together.[28]
- Memory triggers can be anything, from seeing a picture of that person on your Facebook feed to hearing a song that you associate with a wonderful time that you had with him or her. It can even be a smell (like apple pie, because you one time had an apple pie baking contest with him or her, for example).
- If you do unexpectedly encounter a trigger, as you probably will, it’s best to acknowledge the moment and move on from it. Don’t linger over the feeling that it will inevitably bring up. For example: if the song that you associate with them comes on the radio, turn the radio off or change the station. Acknowledge the sadness and regret that comes over you, and turn your attention to something positive or neutral (what you’re going to have for dinner, that trip you have coming up).
- Remember, you’re not going to have to avoid these triggers forever. You just want to make the healing as easy as possible and constant reminders make that process more difficult. When you’ve moved on, the triggers might still recall the other person but it will be less painful.
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2Talk it out with someone. It’s best to get the emotional and difficult aspects of the healing process off your chest. If you cling to those emotions, it will make it harder to release them in the long run. Find someone to talk to about what you’re feeling and what you’re going through.[29]
- Make sure that it’s someone that you trust. This could mean a friend that you know won’t try to speed up your healing. It could mean a family member who lets you call them when you’re feeling upset. It could even mean a therapist, especially if this is a long-term love that you’re really struggling with or that is tied up with other issues.[30]
- You can also journal about your feelings if you don’t feel like you can or want to talk to another person. One good thing about journaling these feelings is that you’ll be able to track your healing process, which will give you proof that it’s possible to get over your unrequited love.
- Talking with someone who’s gone through something similar can be very helpful. You can ask them about their own experiences and how they coped.
- The people who have gone through the same experience can really understand one another’s problem. You will have to describe less to them than others and they would be able to understand even more.
- Don’t expect everyone to understand. People who have not gone through what your experience may not be able to empathize the way you would like them to.
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Develop your spirituality. This can really prove to be a very strong weapon for you and can also help you to make you very resilient in your tougher times.[31]
- Make sure that it’s someone that you trust. This could mean a friend that you know won’t try to speed up your healing. It could mean a family member who lets you call them when you’re feeling upset. It could even mean a therapist, especially if this is a long-term love that you’re really struggling with or that is tied up with other issues.[30]
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3Strengthen your support networks. One of the big side-effects of rejection of all sorts, but especially romantic rejection, is feeling disconnected or isolated from others. You may not be able to have the relationship you want with this one person, but you can strengthen your relationships with the other people in your life.[32]
- Studies show that interacting with people you love can help speed up your body’s recovery time. Since emotional pain often manifests physically, spending time having fun with loved ones can help you recover from that unrequited love.
- Fun is particularly important because of how it works on your brain. Having fun reduces your feelings of anger and can help you feel positive.[33]
Laughter really is the best medicine: it releases endorphins, your body’s natural mood-boosters. It can even increase your body’s ability to tolerate pain.[34]
So go see a silly movie, sing drunken karaoke, bounce on a giant trampoline — have fun, laugh, and learn to heal.
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4Challenge unhelpful thoughts. Certain patterns of thought can sabotage your healing process and make it far more difficult to move on.[35]
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- Remember that you can live without the other person and that they are not perfect. You are fully capable of loving someone else.
- Remind yourself that people and situations change. What you feel now is not how you’re going to feel for the rest of your life, especially if you’re actively working towards feeling differently.
- Don’t blame yourself or feel stupid for having these feelings. It happens to everyone and you have been strong enough to get over it. So, feel proud of yourself for that.
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5Treat this as a learning experience. Nobody wants to have their heart broken. However, if you can reframe this romantic rejection as an experience to learn and grow from, it will become more than just a sad time in your life. You can use it to motivate positive growth for the future.[37]
- For example, find things to honor about your experience. Sure, you put your heart out there and the other person didn’t want it. But you were strong and brave enough to be vulnerable! Without the willingness to accept vulnerability, we can’t connect with other people or experience deep emotions such as joy and love.[38]
- Consider whether this is part of a larger pattern. Some people may repeatedly fall for others who reject them, especially if you didn’t feel secure in your emotional attachment to your parents as a child.[39]
If you’ve fallen for people who rejected you more than once, you may be subconsciously choosing people who repeat the same issues you had with your parents. You may find it helpful to talk through this with a therapist. - Remind yourself that through this experience, you’re learning things like strength and self-reliance. Being rejected isn’t the most enjoyable ways to hone these skills, but if you focus on learning rather than wallowing, you’ll emerge stronger on the other side.[40]
You may even come to a better understanding of your emotions and needs.[41]
- For example, find things to honor about your experience. Sure, you put your heart out there and the other person didn’t want it. But you were strong and brave enough to be vulnerable! Without the willingness to accept vulnerability, we can’t connect with other people or experience deep emotions such as joy and love.[38]
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6Change up your routine. Studies show that doing something new, such as going on vacation or even taking a different route to work, is one of the absolute best ways for you to break old habits and replace them with new ones.[42]
- If you can’t afford to do this in a big way, make little, everyday changes. Visit a new part of town. Try a new hangout on Saturday night. Rearrange your furniture. Get into a new band. Learn a new hobby, like cooking or rock-climbing.
- Try to avoid doing something super drastic, unless you’re sure you really want it. This is a time when a lot of people chop all their hair off, or get a tattoo. It’s best to wait until after the initial healing before making this sort of change.
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7Find yourself. Because you’ve been so caught up in loving someone, you may have forgotten what it’s like to be just you. Healing from unrequited love is a great time to find out who you are aside from your feelings for another person.[43]
- Work on your personal growth. Don’t change things about yourself simply because the other person may not have liked them. However, if there are aspects of yourself that you’d like to develop, go for it. Learn a new language. Develop a new gym routine. Take up flamenco guitar.
- Develop the things that make you unique. While you’ve been spending so much time obsessing over this other person, important aspects of you have been languishing on the side of the road. Get involved with the things and the people you didn’t have as much time for while you were dealing with this unrequited love.
- Resist the urge to personalize this rejection. It’s easy to feel like the other person rejected you because you weren’t pretty/smart/buff/whatever enough. Learning to avoid this type of fallacy will help you feel less emotionally damaged. It will also keep you from trying to “fix” yourself in an attempt to win the other person’s love. Remember: it isn’t about you.[44]
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8Push yourself outside your comfort zone. Trying new things will help get you out of your normal routine and won’t have associations with the person you’re trying to get over. This will make it so that you’re too busy trying new things to obsess over that person who didn’t love you back.[45]
- Pushing yourself past your comfort zone has other benefits, too. Too much comfort has been shown to reduce your motivation to make changes. A tad of uncertainty will help you transform things in your life that need work.[46]
- Learning to push yourself past your comfortable boundaries also makes it easier to deal with uncertainty next time. Taking (controlled) risks and challenging yourself allows you to accept vulnerability as a fact of life, making you less likely to feel destroyed the next time something unexpected happens.[47]
- If you give in to the fear that this rejection was because of you, you may never try anything again. Pushing yourself to take risks, even small ones, will help keep you from withdrawing into a shell of fear.[48]
- Pushing yourself past your comfort zone has other benefits, too. Too much comfort has been shown to reduce your motivation to make changes. A tad of uncertainty will help you transform things in your life that need work.[46]
Part 4
Part 4 of 4:
Moving On
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1Know when you’re ready to move on. There’s no set time period for moving on from unrequited love. Everyone goes at a different pace. However, there are some signs that you’re ready to move on from the person who wasn’t interested in loving you.[49]
- You start noticing what is going on with other people. A lot of times when you’re in the grieving stage you tend to get a little self-absorbed. When you start taking an interest in what everyone else has been doing you’ll find that you’re well on your way into the healing process.
- You’ve stopped wondering if it’s the other person every time you get a call (especially if it’s from a number you don’t recognize).
- You’ve stopped seeing your own story in songs and movies about unrequited love. In fact, you’ve started expanding your repertoire to include things that aren’t about love, or the pain of love.
- You’ve stopped fantasizing about your unrequited love suddenly coming to the realization that they do, in fact, love you and always has.
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2Avoid relapse. Even when you’re ready to move on, you can sometimes hit a relapse if you’re not careful. It’s like taking the stitches out of a wound too early. It’s healing up nicely, but it’s not ready for strenuous exercise quite yet.- Avoid doing things with the other person or letting them back into your life until you’re sure that this won’t cause you to get back on the swoon-train.
- If you do find yourself relapsing, don’t sweat it too much! You’ve already put in a lot of work to get over them and that work will pay off. Setbacks happen and if you give up right away, it will be harder in the long run.
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3Get back in the game. Put yourself out there, meet new people, flirt, and remind yourself how great it feels to be a catch. Your confidence surely needs the boost – and in the meantime, you’ll meet interesting new people. In fact, every time someone is better in some way than the person you’ve been chasing – better looking, funnier, smarter, more down to earth – make note of it. It’ll put things into perspective.- You don’t necessarily have to be on the look-out for a new relationship. Just enjoying the presence of new people can be a big pick-me-up.
- Be very careful with rebounding. While sometimes a rebound is just what the doctor ordered, it only works when you’re emotionally ready for it, you’re honest with yourself about the fact that it’s a rebound, and you’re honest with the other person about the fact that it’s a rebound. Don’t make this new person feel as miserably in love with you as you are with the person you’re trying to get over.[50]
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4Stay encouraged. Getting over someone you’re in love with isn’t easy! Any steps you make towards getting over the other person should be celebrated. You should also remember that just because this person didn’t return your love doesn’t mean that no one will.
Video
Tips
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Remember that love must be reciprocal; otherwise, you will lose precious years of your life waiting for something that will never happen!⧼thumbs_response⧽
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Realize you deserve someone who treats you as well as you treated them.⧼thumbs_response⧽
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Learn to love yourself before you go looking for someone new to fall for.⧼thumbs_response⧽
Warnings
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Don’t settle for a relationship without love. You may think that you’ll be able to convince the other person to love you given enough time, but frankly, this is incredibly unlikely. You and the other person won’t be happy and that’s not fair to either of you.⧼thumbs_response⧽
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